The Sky is Falling?

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I just saw the new James Bond movie “Sky Fall” or whatever in the hell it was called. I pretty much knew I didn’t like this movie because my behind started to get sore during the process of watching it. This pain is probably the lack of blood flow or possible nerve damage who knows? But still, that’s pretty much how I measure whether I like a movie or not. If I start to feel pain in my behind it’s over. I know it seems odd to measure a movie ability to entertain using my ass but it seems to work every time. So the ass-o-meter registered double suck for this movie.The ass-o-meter is also good for testing motorcycle seats, but that’s another story.

I’d also like to point this out, there were a lot of women at this movie. Of course these women were in groups from 2 to 4. Just like when they go to the bathroom. I was somewhat surprising to me because I assumed being James Bond is every male’s fantasy. Yes, there were a few groups of guys. But I would have to guess it was predominantly groups of women.

This would be a good time to point out that I really don’t have a fantasy of being James Bond. Being James Bond looks like you have to do a lot of running, swimming, shooting, and a lot of other things that require substantial energy. Also it appears that he is unable to form a lasting relationship with females. Even though it appears James Bond has multiple partners it just seems they don’t work out. It would also appear that most of his short term girlfriends end up getting killed. This is not a life I would ever pursue in reality so definitely wouldn’t be a fantasy for me.

But I realize these James Bond movies are really just fantasies to remove most men from their mundane and trifle existence on this planet. So I guess the question is what are these groups of women doing at this movie? Well here goes my theory. I’m going to guess that these women take Daniel Craig’s head and post it on their husbands or boyfriends head so they too can live in a fantasy world. Yep I’m going to say that some level every woman in the theater wanted “to do” Daniel Craig. Well I guess if I were a woman I would be banging Daniel Craig in my fantasy world too. Just to be clear here coolcycledude is not a women. Nor does coolcycledude have fantasies about banging Daniel Craig. All clear now? Are we good to go?

But still, let’s go over Daniel’s attributes. He’s British, women like that! He’s got that accent that would set him apart from us regular Joe’s in United States. He dresses very nice in this movie.  Imagine if James Bond ran around in sweats pants and a Chicago Bear’s jersey with Brian Urlacher’s number on it. Good old number 54! He has kept himself in very good shape as opposed to most of us who are wearing Urlacher’s jersey. And my number one reason is he has a gun. I know what you’re saying ”women really don’t like guns.” Well I beg to differ the gun represents power and women like power. Okay now I can be officially labeled as a sexes pig.

Enough of my pointless and unfounded theories, it’s time to enhance your life with my review of the contents of this movie. Well here we go! It seems as though MI6 carries the information about their secret agents in a laptop that the hard drive can be easily ripped out. And I do mean ripped out of. It almost looks like the bad guy used a chainsaw or an axe to open up the back of the laptop. You think he would’ve been a little more sophisticated, maybe using a screwdriver, a pair of pliers or some other device that any geek at Best Buy would have.

This is a very small part of the movie, but I really had problems with it. I mean really, you have a laptop floating around with information about the members of your secret organization. I know there a lot of governmental cutbacks in defense spending, but come on give me a break. But coolcycledude “the data on the hard drive is encrypted.” I often wonder why data is actually encrypted when just about in every case the code can be broken to gain access to the data. Let’s hope that this is a trend that only occurs in movies.So this is the catalyst that starts this movie in motion.

Okay so you’re a bad guy and now you have this this hard disk with a now defunct encrypted system. So what do you do with this information?Sell it to the highest bidder?Roundup your bad guy friends and eliminate each one of these agents one by one. Or the most obvious choice is that you post them on YouTube. Yep, that’s exactly what the bad guy does. He exposes the MI6 agents on YouTube, right along with Carrie the fluffy kitty.I can honestly say that was one of the stupidest things I’ve seen in a movie. I assume it was all about brand placement.

The biggest problem I have with this movie is there are very few gadgets. I really don’t care if my wife is thinking about “banging” Daniel throughout the whole movie. I can live with that. What I can’t live with is not enough gadgets in a James bond movie. Really, what the hell is the sense of going to a James Bond movie where there are no gadgets? Also the gadgets that were used had alternative meanings as far as I was concerned. Let’s take for instance James Bond’s pistol the Walter PPK . The pistol was encoded so that he was the only one who could shoot it. In my opinion this has the overtone of gun control all over it. I’m serious, why did in a just have a commercial in the middle of this movie blasting the NRA.

The other gadget if you can call it a gadget. It was a small transmitter looking thing with some bullshit antenna that you would have to pull out. Think about that a device that sends a radio signal that you have to pull out the antenna. Every cell phone that I have see for the last 20 years has no antenna to pullout. So James Bond’s gadget has antenna that you have to pull out so it works. Am I the only one who has a problem with this?

But they did incorporate the Austin Marten BD5 that was used in few other James Bond movies. In case you don’t remember that car it was the one with the ejector passenger seat. If you think about it that had be one of the coolest scenes in any movie to date. James Bond press the ejector button and the bad guy flew out of the sunroof. I’m sure that everyone who saw that immediately had their own application in mind. It also had machine guns that extended from the front of the vehicle. There were a few other cool things on that car but they don’t come to mind.

And last but not least. We had in this movie the shootout at the “Ok Corral” scene. I would surmise from this movie that shotguns are more powerful than fully automatic assault weapons. This is just me thinking out loud but I would prefer the assault weapon myself. So let me go into detail here there are 20 guys with assault weapons and a helicopter with a mini gun hanging out the side of it and all the bad guys get killed. Right, I know its James Bond, but 20 to 2 ratio.

During the “Ok Corral” scene they sort of mixed in a little bit of the “Home Alone” movies. They constructed a bunch of goofy booby-traps inside of the house. But none of them involved a gum wrapper which somewhat surprising.  But this movie kind of turned James Bond into James MacGyver. I personally am not interested in a Bond / MacGyver character.

Okay enough of the negativity. There was about 15 minutes of “way cool” in this movie. James Bond had a chase scene where he rode a motorcycle. That’s right 15 minutes of motorcycle riding. In truly James Bond fashion! They were riding the motorcycles on the roofs of buildings no less. I did notice that the motorcycle had changed in a few of the shots so they didn’t use the same one in all the shots. At this point who cares, I got to watch motorcycles for 15 minutes riding around on roofs of buildings.


I would like you thank you very much for taking your time to read my blog.

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