It ain’t Shakespeare, Bullet to the Head movie review.

Just saw the movie ”Bullet to the Head” the other night with the wife at the show. I was afraid that while I was watching this movie I was going to have to put a bullet in my head. I realized right off the bat I wasn’t going to see Shakespeare. But then the inner voices started talking to me, “Hey, Cool Cycle Dude, you sat through all of those Rocky, Rambo and Expendables movies, there’s no way this could kill you.” “Yep, you’re right,” I told my inner voices. Even my inner voices talk to me in the third-party. So, I guess I’m drawn to the flame like a moth.

But here I am writing this with no foreign materials in my brain. I actually sat through the whole movie without getting up to go to the washroom. This is a really big deal for me. I just didn’t want to miss what was going to get blown up or who was killed next. I use my bladder as the meter to determine whether or not a movie is watchable.

Okay, let’s talk about the obvious first. Sylvester Stallone is in really good shape for a 60-something-year-old dude. That’s a fact, I can only hope that I somehow manage to maintain half of his physical prowess. I’m going downhill fast. Good thing they stopped making Twinkies. I’m not really a big fan of Twinkies anyhow. I’m pretty sure that’s one of the “signals” that you have become an adult is when you stop eating Twinkies. Actually what parent would be stuffing Twinkies down their kids’ throats considering they have a five-year shelf life?

Stallone did a lot of mumbling and there were several times when I asked the wife, “What the hell did he say?” For a while I thought maybe there was some sort of new language that he was developing. I’m going to give you a Stallone fact. Part of his face was paralyzed during birth because of complications. He had to be removed using forceps which caused the nerve damage. So the next time I see a Rocky / Rambo / Expendables / whatever-the-hell’s-next movie, I will have more compassion for the way he speaks.

There were some things in the movie that were technically correct. Like one scene in the movie where the bad guys are trying to ventilate Stallone’s character’s house with bullets. The bad guys actually had two hands on their fully automatic assault weapons. I don’t know how many of you have actually fired an assault weapon in full auto. But it’s almost impossible to hit anything if you don’t have two hands on the weapon.

There were other scenes in the movie where they had to use weapons in close quarters combat situations. The weapon for close quarters combat is a pistol not an assault rifle. It was sort of cartoonish because they had to just about always empty the clip into their opponent. Even though one or two rounds to the bad guys chest would have done it. I guess they wanted to make sure that the bad guy was double dead.

And, of course, you had plenty of fisticuffs, knife fights and something brand new and exciting, ax fighting. At the start of the ax fighting, Stallone’s character says, “Are we Vikings now?” There were several scenes with this type of banter to keep you involved in the movie. Also they tugged a little bit on your emotions when Stallone’s character offspring gets kidnapped. I started to cry uncontrollably at this point and told my wife to hold me.

A lot of things got blown up in this movie. Also, Stallone’s character had no problem whatsoever blowing up his own personal possessions. He blew up his car and his house. I’m pretty sure that’s going to raise his insurance premiums. That makes these types of movies even more exciting. You know you’re going to see the bad guys and their stuff gets blown up. But it’s definitely a plus when the good guy starts blowing his stuff up, too. Boom! Boom! Boom! Baby! I’m not one to try to predict the future, but I think we’re going to see Bullet to the Head 2.

I would recommend this movie if you need some mindless escapist entertainment. And like I said in the beginning, it ain’t Shakespeare. Thanks for reading my blog. Checkout my You Tube Channel

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