Category Archives: Humor & Opinion

The New Transformers Movie

A lot of stuff gets blown-up-real-good. It looks like most of downtown Chicago got destroyed. I’m not completely sure, but the building I work in may have fallen victim to the giant robots. Good thing I wasn’t in it during the attack. This movie theater was jammed with people. I guess people really like to watching giant robots destroying things. Don’t get it, but going along with the program. I know my wife @heidithorne sure does. I should probably analyze my wife’s thirst for giant robots destroying things one day. Why can’t robots come to earth and cure cancer or create world peace. Why not giant Gandhi robots? Probably not too many people would want to see 2.5 hours of  giant Gandhi robots. Of course you never know. There could be a giant evil Gandhi robot if that’s possible.

This may sound odd, but do these giant robots need to go to the bathroom. I know I sure did after sitting there for 2.5 hours. I was about ready to pee in my pants. Which is not uncommon for me. So if I have to go, they must too. Maybe giant robot bladders can hold a lot more then ours. I can see the comments already, “Of course they can, they have bigger bladders, they’re giant robots. You sure are dumb coolcycledude, don’t you know anything about giant robot physiology. “Well I mean, they might have bigger bladders even for giant robots. Think how funny this would be. Picture this in your mind.  The giant robot just finishes destroying a building. Building parts scattered all over the place. Just like a giant robot would do. The giant robot walks over to another building, turns his robot head right then left to make sure no one looking and then takes leek on the other building. I know what you’re thinking, coolcycledude, you should be writing movie scripts for a living. I couldn’t agree more with you.

The big question I have about the giants robots is why do they need humans as slaves? To rebuild the their planet that they blew up. Oh, okay, wow, it all make sense to me now. I don’t want money back now, go ahead and keep it. Couldn’t they just build robot slaves? Imagine the logistics of managing 3 billion human slaves. Think of all of the code violations that would occur when they start rebuilding. Who’s going to feed all of these people? Will they have health care? Hopefully the giant robots don’t use Blue Cross Blue Shield as their insurance provider. How do you move all these people around ? After a few days of managing 3 billion human beings.They would get their giant robot asses in their robot spaceships and get as far away from earth as they can. Might even erase earth from their space maps.

Another question I have, is where did the robots learn to speak English. Did they use a Rosetta-Stone language course. Is English a required language in their education system? Or, maybe as they were all driving to earth they were swapping the Rosetta-Stone CDs or DVDs in and out of their robot computers.What would happen if they would have made mistake and landed in Japan. Maybe they have the whole series of Rosetta-Stone language courses on the robot spaceships. One other quick question. Do you think Rosetta-Stone will send me a free language course after mentioning then 4 times in this blog? Oh, if you know someone who works for Rosetta-Stone, please tell them about this blog. Sorry, but I like free stuff.

Wasn’t there motorcycles that turned into robots in the last Transformer movie? That would have been so cool to see a robot-motorcycle or a motorcycle-robot. Talk about product placement. It would have surely helped the motorcycle industry. That was one of the reasons I went to see the movie. Maybe, I have my giant robot movies mixed up. You know, the giant robots in these movies are all starting to look alike to me. I know that sounds racists, I just call them as I see them.

Thank you for reading my blog. You know, you could have used your time to wait in line to buy tickets to see a giant robot movie. Please check out my You Tube channel, coolcycledude. Ride your motorcycle and enjoy your life.

No Moto Guzzi For Me!

I finally got to ride a Moto Guzzi. Sort of a life long dream for me to ride this brand of motorcycle. Was really looking forward to it. This was supposed to be one those moments in my life. I hate to use this analogy, but I will any way. It’s like losing your virginity with someone  is one of those moments. Losing it by yourself doesn’t count by the way. I don’t care what they told you. Those are one of the moments we’re taking about here. Hopefully it lasted longer than a minute for you. Oh, don’t you pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about either. I have one word to describe this losing my virginity-like moment: primitive.  That’s right, primitive. I thought for a moment that I had slipped back into time and was riding my very first mini-bike.

Before I go to far into this blog I need to frame a few things. The motorcycle had 16,000 miles or 26,000 kilometers on it. There was oil seeping from bottom of the cylinder and the tires needed to be replaced. Also, there’s possibility that I have been spoiled because I ride mostly Japanese motorcycles. Just in case you don’t know it, I can hear what you are thinking. “Coolcycledude, you suck, you loser. Why don’t you own a Harley Davidson?” I can answer that. Yes, I sure can. I did own a Harley Davidson during the AMF years. Enough said!

Well, let’s start with problem number one. When I used the center stand, the foot peg smashes into my calf. Ouch! I tried three different approaches to keep from hitting my leg. Still ouch! Even though I like the idea of a center stand, I don’t like the one on this bike. Just to make sure that there wasn’t something wrong with me, I had the shop owner put the motorcycle on the center stand. From the other side of the motorcycle, I saw the look on his face that said “ouch!” This stand punishes you when you use it.

This is my own personal bias but I don’t like motorcycles with dry clutches, never have, never will. They’re noisy making that clanging racket. Like something is lose or about ready to fall off. When you are in neutral or pull in the clutch lever the clanging starts. It’s on the loud side. Dry clutches never seem to grab just right always very very touchy. Tough to use in stop and go traffic. You might as well get off the motorcycle and push it in these situations. The clutch lever pull was very light so that wasn’t a problem.

Engine vibration, oh, I mean whole motorcycle vibration. Don’t bother trying to use the mirrors anywhere from 2,000 to 4,500 rpms. Looking at the mirror during those RPMs was like watching a Jerry Bruckheimer movie. Things in the mirrors were moving side to side, up and down, all over the place. You couldn’t figure out what the hell was going on behind you. The foot pegs vibrated like they were connected directly to the engine. The whole motorcycle vibrated like on of those beds you put a quarter in. It might be more money now, it has been a long while since I’ve been on one of those.

Steering the motorcycle didn’t seem right either. As the turns got tighter, it got harder to turn the handle bars. It was like driving  a “Total Work Gym” or what ever in hell that thing is called. You know, the thing that Chuck Norris pushes late at night. I didn’t try to lean the motorcycle into the corners. The feedback seemed delayed or something. It reminded me of driving a  snow sled on ice. I think the engine is mounted too high in the frame. This raises the center of gravity. Gives it an old feeling in the corners.

Okay, let’s talk about the good. I liked the instrument cluster, really liked the analog  gauges. The seat was nice and comfortable. It comes with Belimo brakes and they work well. That was pretty much it.

Let me make a prediction, Moto Guzzi will never advertise on my blog or website. I would not buy this motorcycle, period. But that doesn’t mean someone else wouldn’t. Riding a motorcycle is a very enjoyable experience and everyone has different tastes. Thank you very much for reading my blog. Oh, by the way I’m still trying to get you paid when you read my blogs.

No Tachometer? What The "Fire Truck?"

How can someone ride a motorcycle without tachometer? Why on earth would you want own a motorcycle without a tachometer? Is there something wrong with you? Don’t ask yourself that question, ask someone else, your opinion would be biased. Are you really cheap?  You can ask yourself that one, no second opinion is needed. Are you future dinosaur food?  Only time will tell on that one. Without a tachometer you might as well be riding a riding lawnmower or minbike. You and your John Deere cruising the highway. Do you look good in green?

The tachometer is the most important instrument on your motorcycle. All of that other stuff is to meet some governmental regulation. Just “the man” taking control of your life. That speedometer thing is way overrated. Periodically I’ve notice that the value on the speedometer thing changes from time to time. But otherwise the information from it is completely useless. They might as well tear that thing out and put a clock in its place.

Don’t listen to me, look at the current motorcycle manufacturing trends. The tachometer is getting bigger and that speedometer thing is getting smaller. Very very tiny, so so small. The tachometer on my Vmax is so big you can see it from outer space. The tachometer on the Vmax is so big it works like a windscreen. If I park my Vmax a certain way, the tachometer will cause an eclipse in the state Illinois. I’m pretty sure you got the point now, right?

Let’s say you have motorcycle without a tachometer, there still hope for you, you can be saved. An upgrade kit can be purchased giving you opportunity to fit in with the real motorcycle community. You don’t want people to say “Are you sure that person doesn’t have a tachometer on their motorcycle?” Yes I’m sure! Well I guess the world needs ditch diggers too!

If you plan on getting and riding a motorcycle without a tachometer to shift the gears correctly, you should get one of those Electronic Transmission motorcycles, slacker. Also, you might want to get in line to order power steering for your next motorcycle.

I believe it’s a good idea to give credit where credit is due. Using the words “fire truck” to replace another word was not my idea. I wish it was, but it’s not, got the idea from Smosh.com. They have the capability to sing and dance, check it out.

Wear your helmet, I don’t want you to get hurt. I need as many people as possible to read my blogs. As far as I can tell dead people don’t read blogs. Be safe!

Throttle Therapy

I was checking the tweets on my Twitter stream @coolcycledude and came across the phrase “Throttle Therapy.” This phase came from @MissBusa, it was her idea. And after thinking about this, it is really a defining term that describes why I ride a motorcycle. I know in the first blog I wrote about that I like the way motorcycles smell. Reading that blog will probably enhance your life. Or you might want stop reading this and turn on the TV.

I know this has been said thousands of times that riding a motorcycle is a relaxing experience. For me riding a motorcycle is not relaxing, it’s an intense experience. This doesn’t mean that I’m driving on the sidewalk at 100 mph or doing a wheelie down the middle of road. Nor would I stand on the gas tank while riding a motorcycle waving my arms, or riding it on the back wheel while siting on handlebars. Some people like doing this and that’s fine for them, but not for me. Sometimes when I see someone doing something dangerous on a motorcycle, natural selection comes to mind.

So back to the term “Throttle Therapy.” Riding a motorcycle increases my sense of well-being by focusing on a specific task at hand. My body and mind are very busy operating the motorcycle. Just about everything else fades away from my thoughts when I’m riding. All of the voices in my mind or the things that have plagued me throughout my life disappear. We all have these voices or thoughts that reduce our mental well-being. I don’t care how well you are adjusted, your mental well-being could be improved. Unless you’re really mentally well adjusted, say like Buddha, then I guess you are enlightened and shouldn’t be reading this.

But I’m going to guess that Buddha would have worn his helmet when he rode his motorcycle. Thank you for reading my blog.